If You Are These People in a Bar - You are Literally Hitler
As history will tell you, bars were originally created back in Egypt as a refuge for the downtrodden, sleazy Osiris business deals and Grindr meetups. Over time they have evolved into safe spaces for the downtrodden, sleazy business deals and Grindr meetups - so basically they’re the same thing as 3000 years ago. Humanity, y’all.
Anyway, I love bars. Not crazy packed bars on a Saturday night where roided out monsters are walking around ready to fight anyone that gets in their WHEY, but chill, specialty bars looking to give people the opportunity to relax and get quietly blitzed on mimosas and whisky on a Sunday. These amazing places however, are not without their shortcomings mostly because of the demons that frequent them. I’d like to provide you, my 3.6 readers, an opportunity to identify yourself as one of these creatures so that you can quickly remedy the situation.
Without further ado, I present the list of people that are literally Hitler in a bar.
#1 - Airport Bar Talker Person
Let’s set the scenario: you’ve just finished up your businessy-business and you head up to the airport for some celebratory pass out on the plane drinks. You’ve spent your entire week talking to people you don’t like and just want to slip into the abyss of a $45 Johnnie Walker Black double. You order some shitty airport food and your drink arrives. You take that first sip and it’s so bad but you don’t care. Then it happens. “HEY THERE WHERE YA HEADED?!”
Fuck. You.
Please don’t be this person. This person has a knack for talking politics, religion, abortion, sports, inflation and anything and everything you don’t care about at an airport bar. Everyone in an airport wants to be left alone - I don’t even talk to my own family when I’m in an airport. The last thing I want to do is talk to some stranger who can’t handle the suicidal thoughts in their own head if they aren’t conversing with someone 24 hours per day. Eat a D, Hitler.
#2 - The [Insert Alcohol] Know-It-All
If you’re the kind of person that eavesdrops on people’s drink orders and then comments on them you deserve to be flogged with dirty needles. The last thing I want to hear at a bar is, “Heh, that really needs to have a drop of distilled water and a mousepad full of Swiffer cleaner glazed over it.” I don’t care if the person next to me orders Louis XIII and Mountain Dew - it’s your money and you do you, boo.
The way to combat this awful practice is to engage said individual in an extremely long, drawn out conversation about an awful topic such as the scientific legitimacy of Interstellar. Talk to them until they are physically and emotionally uncomfortable and then as they try to make a mad dash order this literal Hitler the EXACT thing you ordered for yourself so they have to guzzle down the potion they so insulted.
#3 - “Yeah This Place is Ok but Have You Been to XYZ?” Person
We all know those one-upper folks that seem to have caught a bigger fish or dated Kate Upton before you did but more irritating than that is the SCENE person who always compares restaurants and bars to this one place you’ve never been to because it’s in Somalia or it’s that place that just closed :(
This individual always seems to want to order some obscure ass item that can only be found AT THIS ONE BAR in an age where I can order a kangaroo-shaped-iron from my phone and have it at my house in 48 hours. If you can’t find something you like at a standard bar you’re literally Hitler.
#4 - The Knows-The-Bartender Person
I get it. I was 22 once. It was cool walking into a place getting bottle service or knowing a bartender and getting 50 cents off my Corona. But you’re an old person now. Stop it. I don’t care that you know Jim, Bryan or Cassandra but people call her fingerbang. Why don’t you get to know your Fidelity money manager or the Home Depot tool rental guy so I can get a discount on that mini excavator to tear apart my out-of-control garden? That would impress my loins.
The only time I have ever seen a net positive from knowing a bartender (exclusively a female perk) is when said person is so drunk they should be kicked out of earth but are instead propped up in the corner with some drunk-guy-fingered peanuts in a nasty bowl. Get to know other people, you literal Hitler.
#5 - The Buys Anyone in the Bar Gin Person
Gin fucking sucks and you are literally Hitler.