The Top 5 Worst Type of Hangovers
This week of sobriety due to a middle-aged plague caused by some unknown demon force has given me a lot of toilet time to think of previous miseries. Many of those include monumental hangovers and some poor decisions in Taco Bell. I then tried to think of the worst hangovers and then I decided to sort them by type of alcohol. Scientists will tell you the only thing that affects a hangover is dehydration and time but they sound like they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about so I’m gonna hit you with some knowledge.
The Top 5 Worst Hangovers Categorized by Type of Alcohol
#5 - Wine Coolers
My first REAL hangover in college was the result of Mike’s Hard Lemonade because I was 18 and I would literally drink prison butt wine if that’s all I had access to. This actually happened during Hurricane Ivan when school was shut down and people partied their bunanzas off for 5 days. Darryl did it for 1 day because, as is tradition, he went way too hard on night 1 and then sulked mercilessly.
Wine Coolers are loaded with sugar and meth which, as science will tell you, bleed your essence of water and energy which makes it very difficult to be a person after drinking these. Now of course I’m an old man now and I wouldn’t let one of these be brought into my home, let alone my mouth, but it’s always good to have this knowledge. One time this girl Jon Benet joked about icing me with some Mike’s Hard Lemonade and well…
#4 - A Night of Only Shots
We’ve all had that night. A night where your body is this invincible kingdom where all shots are welcome. People begin to look upon you as if you are the 9th Wonder of the Universe because you inexplicably take shot after shot after shot with no indication of slowing down. Until that last one. That last one when Greg decides he’s gonna up the ante. Greg decides he’s gonna shit on your parade and order you a Four Horsemen (Jack, Jim, Jose and Johnnie) but you take it because you’re not a pussy.
I have experienced this many times. Fast forward 8 hours later and you are basically a shriveled troll that belongs in a Japanese horror film. Your headache is being controlled by some sort of implant intensified by light, noise and the neighbors playing Blink-182 at 9 a.m. You pray for death.
#3 - Ice Beers
I’m not sure what sort of wizardry is involved in making an ice beer but I can drink two bottles of wine and operate heavy machinery while playing Operation. Give me one Ice Beer though and I turn into a Ted Kennedy. These roofie bombs will guarantee one of three things: jail time, some sort of pregnancy or a monumental hangover.
The first, and only, time I experienced this pain I decided to give Bud Ice a try on a weekend when all my friends in school had gone home. The bottles and packaging intrigued me so I grabbed a 6-pack and decided to get on it. After my third one in I was like HELL YEAH THIS IS AWESOME - I LOVE DRINKING ALONE!!! After the 6th one I held up a bank and hung from a light pole without using my arms or legs. The next day was an absolute nightmare of throbbing brain violence and wondering what circle of Hell I accidentally fell into.
#2 - Too Much Wine
As stated previously I can handle wine. A shit ton of wine. An unhealthy volume of wine. But there is a point. There is a point where if you have another drop you go from making crude jokes at the neighbors and laughing vigorously to climbing the inside of your chimney with your neighbor’s infant in a bag. Yeah - unsettling right?
Wine hangovers are awful. There is absolutely nothing you can do about them either. You can drink all the Gatorade and smash all the Advil you want but nothing will help. You will most likely vomit which will cause your eyeballs to nearly explode out of your skull so your headache is worsened by the fact that you are nearly blind. As stated it takes a LOT of wine but once you figure out your threshold get it tattoo’d on the back of your hand so you’ll NEVAR FORGET!
#1 - Capriccio Sangria
Fuck you, Capriccio you dogshit motherfucker.