Disclaimer: You would think someone like me would have taken pictures or videos of this event. Wrong. I drank too much, didn’t take a single picture and left to go eat steak. So you get MS Paint original artwork.

Houston is a marvelous city as it offers an infinite amount of things to do regardless of your interests. Why just the other day we dared to take our kids to the Houston Zoo on a Sunday and gosh almighty there was the Houston Kite Festival going on and every person on the planet was there flying giant kites and getting them wrapped around trees, people and power lines. Sadly none of those people suffered electrocution thus having their car towed vacating a precious parking space. Anyway, the point is there is a lot of cool shit do do here. Above all the lesser-cool-shit is one thing that you absolutely must check off your “I Did This in Houston” list - The Houston Whiskey Social benefiting the Warriors for Freedom charity - click here to visit and make a donation please.

This year it was held at The Citadel. No not the South Carolina military college that plays powerhouses like Alabama so they can get their faces stomped in for $1 million. I’m talking about a venue that hosts things so people can put on their finest thongs and drink heavily. It’s down in south Houston and has so much parking. The biggest thing I value in my life, besides my “family” or whatever, is the availability of ample parking. Available parking isn’t enough. I need ample. This place had ample parking and even though my wife complained about the wind THE ENTIRE 73 SECOND WALK from the car to the front it was quite nice. You of course had the option to valet but LOL NAW I’M KEEPIN MY $5.

There were three price options - poor people level, VIP and super amazing secret guys pour liquid into your mouth society (it was a Buffalo Trace Antique Collection and Pappy / Old Rip tasting). I chose the VIP because the guys pouring valuable stuff into your mouth level was sold out. The VIP option allowed me to get in an hour early and sample delicious things prior to the poors. It also came with a cigar and a bottle or something but I’ll talk about that later.

Aight so back to the getting to the event thing. Something I’ve grown to be immediately irritated about with Americans is our instantaneous loathing and vocalization, thereof, of standing in line when we aren’t 100% sure why we are standing in line. The wife and I got in line and within 14.6 seconds we heard, “WHY ARE WE STANDING HERE?! IS THIS THE VIP?! I AM VIP AND I’M NOT SURE I SHOULD BE IN THIS LINE! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL US WHAT IS GOING ON?!” People. VIP doesn’t mean you have become Meghan Markle and shanked your way to the upper echelon of society. It just means you spent an extra $50 to drink whiskey an hour earlier. Chill your fake tits.

The door opened after about 5 minutes of being in line and we were told how to check-in and what the process would be. We gathered our wristbands, tasting glasses and some SWAG (very nice bag provided by Plantation Rum) which ultimately took about 22 seconds and then we lined up again so that we could get vouchers for our VIP bottle and cigar. The beautiful host and organizer of the event, Kris Hart (his prominence will be explained in a bit), came out and told people they could skip the line but would miss their bottle and cigar if they did. A few sad people did that but most were smart enough to wait the extra 39 seconds.

Once we got our vouchers we headed into the event which was overwhelming at first. In the main room there were three rows full of booths waiting to pour delicious liquid into your mouth. I wasn’t exactly sure where to go first so I just panicked and ran in circles for a few minutes until some friends finally wrestled me down. Said friends guided me to a few things they had tried already and the night began. I’m not going to sit here and explain each booth to you because that is nauseatingly boring. I tried some rare stuff, amazing stuff, shitty stuff, memorable stuff, etc. etc. etc. There was literally something for everyone from scotch, American whiskey, bourbon, rye, wine, blended whiskey, rum, vermouth and a bunch of shit I’m forgetting. There was a wonderful Texas room full of Texas made spirits that celebrated all this great state has to offer. That room seemed to be a hit with everyone and some special whiskies were poured there.

If I had to pick out the best thing I tried it would probably be the 1950s (I think) British Navy rum, Balvenie 25 Doublewood or a Four Roses bottle that I said something profound after trying like, “Wow, that’s tasty.”

As the clock struck 6 the others began to pour (HA!) in and some booths began to move a little slow. Not because of those working the event but because some attendees felt it necessary to share their autobiographies and tasting profiles with every single pourer of the drank. Yes, it is super fun to talk to the reps and owners of these products because you’re at an event where everyone is as fucking crazy as you about whiskey. I get it, man but not every sip requires an eyes closed enunciation of notes your drunk ass is making up. For the most part those individuals were in the minority of attendees and people were generally considerate of those behind them. I also found myself lingering at certain tables because the reps were just so damn friendly and eager to share their knowledge and excitement.

One thing you need to know and accept at these things is that you are going to use the dump buckets. The first time you dump your glass you feel like you’re committing infanticide but you get use to it and soon enough you’re the one holding the pillow as the remaining drops of liquid in your glass disappear into the swill of others. Dumping your glass occasionally is the smart, responsible, pussy-but-necessary thing to do. If you do not you will regret it.

Yes, there is food there. Good food. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that because this isn’t a fucking foodie blog.

After a couple hours of tasting I rounded up some friends like a sheep dog and we headed outside for some stogies. Now I could have used my voucher for a cigar to have that night but because I’m a pompous asshole I brought my own. I still collected my cigar but I put it away in my also-pompous cigar case to have another day.

The smoking station was set up under a very large tent with plentiful seating, cocktail tables and more ashtrays than the oval office. Prior to this I was feeling pretty good but not fucked up in any way. I was still swirling my glass, smelling it as if I could pick out any notes at all and taking long, passionate sips as if I were making a real estate assessment. Well as any whiskey enthusiast knows the best thing you can do if you’re in a perfectly balanced state of drunk and politeness is to add a big, fat, bold cigar to the mix. After several minutes, and drinks, later my refined character may have turned slightly crude.

After stogies I decided to make a few more rounds inside so that I could really vamp up my blurred vision. Inside I was able to stop and say hello and thank you to Kristopher Hart - the organizer and host of the event. Kris is an absolute gem in this city who has brought so much attention, passion and diversity to the spirit-enthused community. He’s the kind of friend you want to go with you and talk your way into an airport lounge when you don’t have the credentials but not the guy you want with you when you’re trying to play hide-and-seek with his tall, red ass. In all seriousness he put on an amazing event that would rival anything nationally even in snootie places like California and New York - enjoy your high taxes, ya plebs! Be sure to catch Kris on his Whiskey Neat radio show / podcast / Youtube Channel, etc. etc. because he’s just one big, giant encyclopedia of awesome whiskey information.

At the end of the night it was time to go collect my free VERY ILLUSTRIOUS PERSON bottle but when I stepped inside the line was wrapped around like Demi Lovato’s hands on a spoon. That shit was loooooooooong, bruh. My wife and I looked at each other and I said, “naw.” She said, “NO YOU NEED TO WAIT IN THIS LINE FOR YOUR BOTTLE!” So I said, “nah” this time. Homie ain’t got time for that. I’m sure the bottle was lovely but remember that whole line thing at the beginning? Yeah….

So in closing here are some takeaways. 1) This actually makes a pretty solid date night event because there is something for everyone, you can dress up, there’s good food and you’re probably gonna say some erotic things to someone at some point. 2) Do some research! I did zero research on anyone there and just kinda winged it the whole time. I should have plotted my attack a bit better to provide some rhyme or reason but I didn’t. I’m a trash human. 3) Be open and patient. Take your time and try everything that the vendors have to offer. I tried some amazing stuff that wasn’t anywhere near their top items which gave me a new appreciation for new products. 4) You should probably drink the dump buckets. 5) The most important thing is it benefited the Warriors for Freedom charity that support veterans with varying therapy methods for anything they may face. As an Army brat I certainly appreciated that. Make the 2020 Houston Whiskey Social part of your plans and you will not be disappointed.

The Houston Whiskey Social 2019 Review

— Bottles and boards —