The Types of Thanksgiving Drinkers
It’s almost Thanksgiving time, y’all! This means wonderful food, time with family, football AND COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF BOOZE! Now if you’re just a casual dabbler of the devil drank like me, cough cough, then you probably enjoy watching everyone around you slowly dip into a food-booze coma so you can load up your to-go trays without having to help clean up. Finessin’ the game, y’all!
With this little ol’ thought of mine I figured it would be fun to discuss all those family members that we enjoy so much sitting around that table. So without further adieu I present The Types of Thanksgiving Drinkers!
#1 - The Non-Drinking, Judgmental Aunt
Y’all know she praying for you the minute she walks through that door bringing in that jello salad and corn bread. You go to grab a beer and she’s standing there staring at you. “I wonder if this is how Jesus gives thanks” she says pursing her lips as she walks off to chat with grandma about her bible study group. When it is time to pray she is giving it ALL SHE’S GOT letting out those, “MMMM-HMMS” and “THAT’S RIGHT!” - everyone avoids standing next to her at this time because the force of the LORD will be around your knuckles. When it is time to start pouring wine and drank at the table she audibly exclaims that she will be having none. We know, Shauna.
#2 - The Teenage Cousin Who Can’t Drink Yet But Wants To
“Hey, bro. How you been? Man I wish I could see you more often. School is good - hey how bout grabbing me one of those beers. My mom doesn’t care.” If you don’t hear that at least once what are you even doing? Is your family that perfect? You don’t bother checking with your aunt to validate the almost certain lie that he/she is allowed to have alcohol but GUESS WHAT THAT’S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. They inevitably drink too much and then when they say you gave it to them you can lie. Because for real who are they gonna believe? Some drunk asshole teen or the emotionally, destroyed and inconspicuously drunk adult? This kid will most likely start a fight with their parents over something silly and then will be given $20 by grandma/grandpa for some pizza.
#3 - The Almost Certainly, but not Confirmed, Trashed Uncle
“He’s had to have had at least 15 beers today…” your mother says to her sister near the laundry room. At that moment you hear a crash and you’re like ok, what did uncle Alex do this time? You go in there and damned if he ain’t carrying on a perfectly normal conversation with your cousin’s fiance about investing practices after stock market dips - the crash was the big ass dog your brother brought knocking off some picture frames from the side table. He walks off perfectly fine and then grabs another beer. At this point it’s a game and you’re trying to see how many he can get down before it’s noticeable. If your mother and fellow family members don’t make little comments about, “getting another one are we” then you’re doing Thanksgiving wrong.
#4 - The Noticeably Trashed and Doesn’t Care Grandma
First of all - y’all leave her alone. She’s a thousand years old and if she wants to get super drunk, say borderline racist things to Sarah’s tan friend (not minority) from college and then get really quiet at the end of the day as reality seeps back in then she is perfectly in her right to do it. Sure she’s going to bring up Sammie’s rough college semester and the money you asked her for a couple years back when things were looking pretty rough and then your mom is going to say, “YOU ASKED HER FOR MONEY?! HONEY, WHY DIDN’T YOU COME TO ME?!” then you’ll reply, “BECAUSE THAT’S WHY MOM AND IT WAS YEARS AGO I AM FINE” and while all of this is going on grandma has poured herself another margarita. Chumps.
#5 - The Mom who Doesn’t Drink Except Today and Takes Jello Shots like a Fucking Warlord
“Oh you know I don’t drink very much - ok well I’ll just do one… (followed by crazy mom laughter - similar to when a funny picture is taken)” Then that mom swishes her finger in that bad boy and chomps that jello shot down in one gulp - not a spec of jello left. This begs the question - how much of a demon was that mom in college? Then that one jello shot turns into 2, 3 and 4 plus some wine and margaritas - suddenly mom who doesn’t drink is playing beer pong and calling her brother a pussy.
#6 - The Popular Cousin who Everyone Loves and Brings Bud Light but Drinks the Good Stuff and Tries to Sell you Something
You know the moment this cousin walks in because everyone goes, “AHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHH WHOAAAAAAAA WHAT’S UPPPPP AHHHHHH!” Then you sigh because you can predict the twelve pack of Bud Light in his hand with no food followed by the, “Where can I put this?!” statement as if the effort of finding somewhere for twelve beer cans is so daunting that it needs a task force to make it happen. Eventually you have to say hello and you do and he sees your stash of good booze and goes, “OH MAN! THIS IS GOOD SHIT!” and begins to help himself. You die inside a little as he mixes your nice stuff with coke. Later on he tells you about this company he’s working for and how he’s like $100 off from being the top salesman for the quarter - “just need that one last sale before the month is over ya know…”
#7 - You
As you sit there judging everyone you don’t even realize you’ve put back several drinks and are starting to feel pretty good. Eventually someone brings up something political and you feel the need to jump in and provide some middle ground except THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND IN THIS HOUSE, SON! Your frustration suppresses your buzz so you go and shove down like 2-3 more glasses of wine BUT THEN that suppressed buzz explodes back like a Demi Lovato relapse. You are drunk and it is fun.