The Levels of Alcohol Snobbery - A Bad Wine Reviews Exclusive

I must admit since I began this journey of pretending to know what I’m talking about I have learned quite a bit about the alcohol world and those in it. I have met some interesting, scary, dreadful, wonderful and wildly intelligent people that have allowed me to view this hobby with such a new perspective and appreciate it for what it is - SNOBBY AS FUCK, YO!

Seriously the level of snobbery sometimes is wild and about the dumbest ass stuff. Y’all out here worrying about the TYPE OF ICE to put in your $17 bottle of whiskey, what glass should you use for your $11 Zinfandel or should you take a risk on a $25 bottle.

Anyway. I’ve reflected on some of these nonsense things and decided to put together a snobbery ranking system that will help you decide where you fall. Please don’t be ashamed as I’ll let you know where I land. I’ll use the standard 1-10 scale because that’s as easy as dancin’ on a junebug farm out the basketball field.

This level is reserved for those of you that are as refined as a West Virginia cockroach. In fact you probably make people uncomfortable pouring your Smirnoff Ice into a Dixie Cup while you pack that dip real good. Maybe you’ve found yourself at a party with decent booze and you spend your time saying, “HEH I don’t drink that fancy shit! Give me THE BEAST all day long!” as you spit into an empty Mountain Dew bottle.

You may have graduated from Milwaukee’s Best but you still probably put your feet on people’s couch and coffee table without asking. Your favorite alcoholic beverage most certainly comes in a box or a ball out of a gas station. When asked if you enjoy a dry wine your response is almost always, “Heh, as long as it’s wet!”

Is your living room adorned with some sort of neon sign? Is every $20 - $30 bottle you’ve ever been around on top of your kitchen cabinets? You belong here.

Alright now we’re getting somewhere. You are actually somewhat picky about what you claim to like and don’t like but deep down you don’t know the difference between a hazy IPA and a Chardonnay. You casually drop terms like dry and sourced around people with little knowledge of the alcohol world but stay shifty in the event someone wants to eloquently discuss.

You know enough to be dangerous on both ends of the spectrum. You can hold a conversation about WHY you like certain bottles but when someone asks you, “So, Hansel what makes a whiskey a bourbon?” you tend to change the subject to boobs or sports. Your favorite wine is cab, your favorite beer is literally any IPA and your favorite spirit is Blanton’s.

This level is reserved for people who think they have established the finality of their palate. You have tried everything that has ever been produced and stay in you comfort zone. When requested to try something new you tell some fucking lame-ass story about how you met the producer and saw him stick his balls in the barrel. Your favorite wine is Orin Swift anything, your favorite beer is ONLY GERMAN BEERS OR MEADE HURRR and your favorite spirit is gin. “No really this gin is super good, guys!” No it’s not.

You make it very well known that you’re going to pick the wine at dinner and you’re going to talk about every wine you’ve ever had on this list. People are going to nudge their significant others at said dinner when it’s time to order the wine. When someone starts to talk about nice alcohol at a party you bust up in the conversation like Drake at an NBA team’s laundry day. Your favorite wine is of course something foreign, your favorite spirit is something hard to find just because others don’t have it and your favorite beer is something horrible.

(This is me)

This level is reserved for beer snobs who drink garbage ass stouts and have mustaches. If they aren’t wearing some ridiculous hat they most certainly have cuffed jeans and Vans shoes. They make a point to come up to you at a party and ask why you’re drinking Miller Lite when they brought beer made by Angolan monks that is filtered through Zebra vagine. You don’t drink wine or spirits because you appreciate the art of beer making.

This level is reserved for someone so snobby they purposely only drink bottom shelf stuff because other people don’t get how good it really is. You can watch them wince as they suck down cow’s piss and sigh heavily to avoid vomiting on your carpet. They only discuss alcohol that is either discontinued or beyond impossible to find - except for when they find it of course. Their wine collection consists of labels that make you very uncomfortable, they don’t drink beer and their whiskey collection is stored at some stupid fucking air conditioned storage unit.

The ultimate snobby level, folks. Do you interrupt people’s conversations at a bar to tell them what they enjoy is bad or that they are drinking ______ incorrectly? Do you have classical nude artwork in view when people come over to drink? Did you name your dog after the French vintner you met while on Safari in South Africa? If you answered yes to any of these questions well congratulations! You made it to the top tier of snobbery!