Bad Wine Reviews Guide to Pairing Guns with Alcohol

It’s a tale as old as time - a man has a scotch while gripping a .38 special reading to his children by fire. This common occurrence has some interesting roots that can be traced all the way to Mesopotamia where seasoned warriors would drink fermented pomegranates and then sing songs of past battles all while holding Beretta shotguns.

I’ve had tons of questions over the years regarding this subject. “Darryl, when drinking wine what is the appropriate firearm to have on me?” and “While I know pistols and whiskey go hand-in-hand I’m not so sure about what to drink with my shotgun” Well I figured it was time to put out a guide to alleviate some of the stresses that come with this subject.

Before we start, it’s important to understand the first rule of pairing alcohol with guns is safety. LMAOOOOOOOO JK. Let’s go.

Whiskey

Pairing - Pistol Held Sideways

Whiskey is America’s drink so is there anything more American than holding a gun sideways? No there isn’t. Chuck Norris could deliver Nancy Reagan’s baby while Proud to be an American played in the background as two bald eagles swooped down to cut the umbilical cord and IT WOULD STILL BE MORE AMERICAN TO HOLD A GUN SIDEWAYS! Anyway, doesn’t matter whether you’re having Jack Daniels or a Pappy Van Winkle 23 - you should always be holding a pistol sideways to enhance the flavor and experience.

Tequila

Pairing - American Weapons Obtained Through the War on Drugs

When enjoying a tequila it is wildly important to drink with weapons you received from your local cartel in exchange for shutting the fuck up or else. These weapons are almost certainly American and will ensure you feel uneasy about the future as you sip on that agave drank. For best results I recommend dipping your firearms in a little lime juice and garnishing with a salt ring.

Gin

Pairing - LOL You Don’t Have a Gun

Stop. You don’t have a gun. Go to Buffalo Wild Wings and order overpriced, shitty beer.

Undrinkable Stouts

Pairing - M134 Minigun

YOUR DICK IS SO HUGE AND YOUR GUN IS BIGGER FUCKING SHOOT THROUGH HOME DEPOTS, OLIVE GARDENS AND PENTAGONS!

Wine

Pairing - Shotguns

Shotguns are generally perfect. Wine, well good wine, is generally perfect. With a shotgun you can shoot clay frisbees, flying quacks, people, paper posters designed to look like people and so on. It’s pretty much the same with wine - you can throw it at pretty much anything! Wine and shotguns are so diverse and they deserve each other. <3

Rum

Pairing - Rocks

When drinking rum you are most likely either an indigenous person or an islander being taken advantage of by fat Northeastern Americans. Loud noises can be extremely threatening so find your favorite rock and keep it close while you sip on your sugar caned water. Please remember to not mix your rum and rocks because you can’t drink rocks.

Vodka

Pairing - Semi Automatic Assault Rifles

Vodka is the most popular spirit in the entire world so it only makes sense to pair it with the most DANGEROUS THING IN THE WORLD - a semi automatic assault rifle. While you’re sipping on your vodka cranberry be sure to clutch something on this tiny list which apparently includes more stuff than an AR-15. Anyway, drink vodka and hoard weapons.

So there you have it - a less-than-complete guide to pairing some guns with some booze. If you expected me to list out every single gun and every single alcohol well you are on the wrong site, buddy. K Bye!